Have not posted for a while as it can be hard reliving what you're going through and also now that I'm back at work after my 3 week Easter holidays the week goes so fast with weekly blood tests on one day and chemo the next plus working and resting!
Had a stressful and unfortunate blip with chemo 4 a fortnight ago when I had a cover nurse who though very nice did several things differently and had 2 failed attemps at my veins which resulted in a bad fainting attack from me. The nurse was then visibly shaken when my blood pressure (normally on the low side)dipped to 65 over 40 and I knew that it had gone down to 60 over 40 following my mastectomy 5 years ago in hospital and I'd needed 3 blood transfusions. Luckily after a few minutes resting back in bed this time my blood pressure began to normalise and thankfully it was 3rd time lucky for the veins and chemo went on as normal but it was all quite a shock and particularly as I was at home and just with one nurse who was clearly in a right panic and needed a cup of tea and to phone her superior!!
I thought I'd got over that day quite well and certainly physically it didn't seem to take its toll. However I suddenly found myself getting wound up into a dreadful emotional state by the morning of the following chemo. After a warm bath,watching tv and trying to do relaxation exercises in the early morning I finally succombed and rang the wonderful helpline and BreastCancerCare who are marvellous and helped me to calm down get things in perspective. By the time the nurse came I was ok again after having cried buckets (all while my husband was still sleeping!)and got through it ok.
I felt better this week and didn't get so low as then but feel that my confidence has been severely lowered and found myself pulling off the first cold cap yesterday in panic but my lovely husband came and talked me round and it went on again and I was fine. It wasn't really the cold cap itself I was having the problem with - it was the whole treatment and process - sometimes (well more than sometimes!) you just want it to stop. I think it will seem easier to cope with if we get positive results from my PET scan on May 9th. At least then we will know the treatment is doing something positive and not just a nasty inconvenience! I know I've been so lucky not to have to had to cope with total hairloss or many of the nasty side-effects you can get but I'd rather have none of it at all.
It's the prospect that I'm likely to be on some sort of treatment (aggressive treatment at that)for the rest of my life that scares me the most - people ask when the chemo will stop but the problem is the disease may progress more quickly with no treatment so it's likely it will be ongoing if it's working.
Anyway I'm always going on about how it's important to just take every day as it comes and not think too far ahead. I have been so positive from the start but it isn't easy to keep this up!
A couple of weeks ago I was keenly planning a wonderful holiday to New Zealand and Australia which I still hope we may be able to do at Christmas all being well but as well as being dependent on my health being ok it hangs on me being able to release my private pension in full. I am waiting to hear if that is going to happen and had to go to my GP to request that he writes to the pension fund saying I could have less than 12 months to live as that's the only way they'd let me have the money even though whatever happens it would take a major miracle for me to make 60. The GP was upset at my request and said it's impossible to say which I know too but the pension company are more black and white with their beuracracy! I think this lowered my confidence too so I haven't been doing any more planning for that holiday until I know for sure about the money!
Anyway I don't want to depress anyone further - I have been fine when I'm distracted and busy but it's the actual treatment that I'm finding hard to face and the fact that my positivity seems to have waned even though I'm trying hard to get it back!
I played badminton 3 times last week and am really loving it. I hope I can keep it up for as long as possible as it gives me a lot of pleasure - especially after years of thinking I may be dyspraxic and couldn't do any sport at all let alone enjoy it!!
It's just over 3 weeks that we go to Antibes and lots of things happening before then so I hope to be sounding a little more upbeat in my next blog!
About Me
- bionicwoman
- South Wales, United Kingdom
- Am a vibrant classically trained pianist whose life changed considerably in 2002 when I was diagnosed with breast cancer at 32 the day I moved to Wales after 10 years in London. I was devastated further with a diagnosis of secondary breast cancer in both lungs and the lymphatic system in 2008 which marked the abrupt end to my marriage.Whilst undergoing 9 months of chemo I had to go through an unexpected and very acrimonious divorce but since November 08 my disease has stabilised for the present and I have been learning to make the most of every day.Life is different but amazing and am so happy to be still here and still enjoying life so much!Have not written a post on my blog for so long but am determined now to keep it up as it is very therapeutic and hopefully may help others going through similar experiences.
9 comments:
Jeez! If you are not entitled to sound downbeat sometimes who can? Do you know my initial phrase was 'get it off your chest' and then,I was worried about being tactless but I've had a rethink so yes, get it off your chest and anywhere else and let it all out too! You're being brave enough to share this with us - the very least we can do is be brave enough to read about what you're going through. All the best. Chris
Well I think Chrish just about said it all. You are allowed to have bad days you know. Ooooo I do hope the money comes through ok and that you can continue to plan for your holiday at Xmas.
exactly what Chris said I was going to say. Plus you don't even sound downbeat particularly despite going through all this. You keep on planning and keep on enjoying and keeping on being in charge of this thing. xx (and why do I ALWAYS get teh verification thing with lots of backwards qs and curly ks and stretchy xs??)
I know it sounds corny but your post puts things into perspective for many of us. Best of luck with the money because after all the crap you are going through, you deserve a good holiday and much more.
Take care, Crystal xx
You're doing so well. I know it must be gruelling, going through this every week, but hang on to the fact that you're getting the very best possible treatment. And with ongoing advances in medical treatment, cancer can be managed much more as an ongoing chronic condition with better and better outcomes.
Having said that, I don't for a minute underestimate how horrible it must be to have what must seem like a neverending course of treatment stretching out before you. Fingers crossed for the best possible news on May 9th and a lovely, relaxing holiday with no needles or cold caps in sight.
LBD xxx
I think that considering wha tyou are going through, this post was quite positive. I hope you have a wonderful holiday and return to find your full pension approved.
Hoping things are a little better for you xx
Not heard from you in ages so thought I would pop by and ask how you are doing . . .
over from little brown blog. you are very brave. i hope that things will go well for you.
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