Down but not out!

Have not posted for a while as it can be hard reliving what you're going through and also now that I'm back at work after my 3 week Easter holidays the week goes so fast with weekly blood tests on one day and chemo the next plus working and resting!

Had a stressful and unfortunate blip with chemo 4 a fortnight ago when I had a cover nurse who though very nice did several things differently and had 2 failed attemps at my veins which resulted in a bad fainting attack from me. The nurse was then visibly shaken when my blood pressure (normally on the low side)dipped to 65 over 40 and I knew that it had gone down to 60 over 40 following my mastectomy 5 years ago in hospital and I'd needed 3 blood transfusions. Luckily after a few minutes resting back in bed this time my blood pressure began to normalise and thankfully it was 3rd time lucky for the veins and chemo went on as normal but it was all quite a shock and particularly as I was at home and just with one nurse who was clearly in a right panic and needed a cup of tea and to phone her superior!!
I thought I'd got over that day quite well and certainly physically it didn't seem to take its toll. However I suddenly found myself getting wound up into a dreadful emotional state by the morning of the following chemo. After a warm bath,watching tv and trying to do relaxation exercises in the early morning I finally succombed and rang the wonderful helpline and BreastCancerCare who are marvellous and helped me to calm down get things in perspective. By the time the nurse came I was ok again after having cried buckets (all while my husband was still sleeping!)and got through it ok.
I felt better this week and didn't get so low as then but feel that my confidence has been severely lowered and found myself pulling off the first cold cap yesterday in panic but my lovely husband came and talked me round and it went on again and I was fine. It wasn't really the cold cap itself I was having the problem with - it was the whole treatment and process - sometimes (well more than sometimes!) you just want it to stop. I think it will seem easier to cope with if we get positive results from my PET scan on May 9th. At least then we will know the treatment is doing something positive and not just a nasty inconvenience! I know I've been so lucky not to have to had to cope with total hairloss or many of the nasty side-effects you can get but I'd rather have none of it at all.
It's the prospect that I'm likely to be on some sort of treatment (aggressive treatment at that)for the rest of my life that scares me the most - people ask when the chemo will stop but the problem is the disease may progress more quickly with no treatment so it's likely it will be ongoing if it's working.
Anyway I'm always going on about how it's important to just take every day as it comes and not think too far ahead. I have been so positive from the start but it isn't easy to keep this up!

A couple of weeks ago I was keenly planning a wonderful holiday to New Zealand and Australia which I still hope we may be able to do at Christmas all being well but as well as being dependent on my health being ok it hangs on me being able to release my private pension in full. I am waiting to hear if that is going to happen and had to go to my GP to request that he writes to the pension fund saying I could have less than 12 months to live as that's the only way they'd let me have the money even though whatever happens it would take a major miracle for me to make 60. The GP was upset at my request and said it's impossible to say which I know too but the pension company are more black and white with their beuracracy! I think this lowered my confidence too so I haven't been doing any more planning for that holiday until I know for sure about the money!

Anyway I don't want to depress anyone further - I have been fine when I'm distracted and busy but it's the actual treatment that I'm finding hard to face and the fact that my positivity seems to have waned even though I'm trying hard to get it back!
I played badminton 3 times last week and am really loving it. I hope I can keep it up for as long as possible as it gives me a lot of pleasure - especially after years of thinking I may be dyspraxic and couldn't do any sport at all let alone enjoy it!!

It's just over 3 weeks that we go to Antibes and lots of things happening before then so I hope to be sounding a little more upbeat in my next blog!