Well we got the results of Thursday's PET scan on Friday evening and it shows what we feared that I now have secondary breast cancer in both lungs (although very small)and in several lymph nodes in my neck and one in my lung.
It's all been found quite early as I have no symptoms and my tumour marker blood tests were clear but in the long run it's not curable.
I'm going to have weekly Taxol chemo (weekly! 3 weekly FEC 5 years ago was bad enough!)along with fortnightly intravenous injections of a new drug Avastin. I'm very lucky to have BUPA insurance through my husband's work and the oncologist is hoping I can have the treatment from home which will help enormously as a 36 mile round trip to Cardiff weekly would be a complete pain and add to the strain of it all.
My husband's work is only 8 mins drive from where we live so that is also reassuring for both of us that he could just pop home at lunchtime if there was a problem.
I'm in pragmatic mode at the moment but lapsed into quite a few very tearful moments yesterday. It's like I'm 2 people at the moment - one who is desperate to act as if everything is and will be fine and be positive and practical - I can hear myself telling people very calmly and then there's this other person trapped inside who's saying everything's not fine, it's awful and I don't want any of it and help! I can't jump out of my own body though so I haven't got a lot of choice! I don't think it's about being brave as people seem to think - it's self-preservation the fact I've no choice but to try and cope with it or whatever life I have left( and it could be quite a while yet) would be thoroughly miserable and I don't want that.
My beloved husband is finding it very hard. He's being uncharacteristicly very tearful and I'm the opposite which is odd as I usually am able to cry at the drop of a hat!
I think it will be easier to come to terms with once treatment starts and we get into a routine.
Anyway I think that's enough for now as my head's starting to jangle again! I'm not used to writing what I think down!
The internet's a wonderful thing and I've already found many women with similar problems to share with which does help when you feel so alone and afraid and yet need to be strong for those around you.
About Me
- bionicwoman
- South Wales, United Kingdom
- Am a vibrant classically trained pianist whose life changed considerably in 2002 when I was diagnosed with breast cancer at 32 the day I moved to Wales after 10 years in London. I was devastated further with a diagnosis of secondary breast cancer in both lungs and the lymphatic system in 2008 which marked the abrupt end to my marriage.Whilst undergoing 9 months of chemo I had to go through an unexpected and very acrimonious divorce but since November 08 my disease has stabilised for the present and I have been learning to make the most of every day.Life is different but amazing and am so happy to be still here and still enjoying life so much!Have not written a post on my blog for so long but am determined now to keep it up as it is very therapeutic and hopefully may help others going through similar experiences.
7 comments:
Hi there - I found your story so very brave and moving. It must be very hard at times, but it sounds as though you are facing this thing head on and coping in the best way you can. As you suggest, it may be easier to come to terms with once your treatment has started and you have something practical to focus on.
Sometimes, though, I think you may need to listen to that other person inside you who feels trapped and as though everything's not fine. Sometimes it's therapeutic just to give that person a voice, even though what you feel may be scary. Everyone copes in their own way, and I am sure you will find yours. And I'm sure those around you will understand that you can't be expected to be strong all the time.
I hope you find your new blog page a source of support and connection with other people with similar things to contend with, and others who just want to offer their support in whatever way.
Lots of love & I'll be checking in to see how you're getting on.
LBD xxx
Bloody hell you're brave. I so admire people who have to meet this hideous thing and somehow deal with it. I was directed here by the gorgeous LBD and although I will never have anything valid or relevant or useful to say, I will be a constant visitor, wishing you well, urging you on and crossing my fingers verily unto arthritis. All the best
Hi Again -also here through Littlebrowndog. Yes good to be brave and meet everything head on and be determined to get the best out of what ever you have - but also it is perfectly ok to have bad days and rail against fate and what a complete bitch life is. I won't say how sorry I am because that is of no help . . . there is nothing I can do other than read your blog and comment and hope that having found a community that supports you that this will help.
I run www.purplecoo.co.uk we are a very supportive site and also have a lot of fun on the way. LBD also blogs with us. I am not trying to push the site in any way at all - but it you wanted to join us you would be most welcome - as a person - and not because you have cancer.
Hi there I'm here through Little Brown dog. It sounds as if you are getting the very best treatment. Take all you can get with the convetional treatment, but don't forget the unconventional. When I had some pretty dodgy cancers 18 years ago I went to the Bristol cancer help centre (I think they are still up and running) there I learnt positive visualisation and meditation techniques, plus loads of other stuff about diets, vitamins and the like. The idea is to keep your body as healthy as you can so that your immune system has a chance to deal with the cancer.
Keep at it and you'll win
Best wishes LWB
Also here through the wonderful writings of LBD. It's a very theraputic occupation writing and I'm sure that you will benefit enormously from it through your blog, AND you get to meet some marvellous people too !!
Hellooooo! Yet another LBD Groupie! Okay, that was the easy bit - now the hard bit which is knowing what to say other than here's wishing you all the help and care you need. Good luck, I'll be following your progress.
So much to cope with - I am reeling with it. I wish you and your husband all the luck in the world and will be reading your blog and rooting for you all the way.
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